with a strong reaction
maybe that's why some people tend to find me dramatic
but who really cares about that?
well, i do
when it's my partner, family or friends
but that's another topic
another time
(I started writing this post a loooong time ago,
it's not so much "another topic" for me...not anymore...congrats to myself.)
well, back to track, change starts with strong reactions
for example
I really want to change gender stereotypes and
being more aware about my racists actions in daily life
that's something very important for me
now i am a new mom
imagine
theory and practice come together
the gaps couldn't be bigger
and equipped with my white savior complex i am suffering from
from time to time
with carrying all the burden of the world on my shoulders
I pressure myself
not only to be a perfect mom...
(perfect mom meaning for myself: i am trying to be super calm, relaxed and avoiding perfectionism while also perfectly stimulating my child etc...)
...but also
I am looking to become perfect
in my attempts of achieving life goals
like becoming a better person
thus,
at the beginning of my experience of motherhood I was super stressed
when I put my sweet baby boy to wear some blue clothes
I was already stressed when I should buy a doll and if there's going to be a conflict with my partner or not
and tons of other small things that keep my mind busy
now i am more balances
(when I wrote above first reaction is very dramatic or intense. the second or third or fourth... reaction towards change is being more relaxed... the mind is still super busy but I am somewhere along the process to be able to choose my battles)
and know that he can also wear blue.
I can live now with the fact that my husband don't want him to wear pink
(why? because he is half part of our parent team and I love him, even if I am not happy with all his perspectives but knowing that this is just where he stands now along his process..)
and me?
I don't want to push him to dress stereotypical boy but also don't want to push him to dress stereotypical girl. I want him to wear a variety of colors.
but it is very often not available.
thus, i decided to stress less about it and allow him to dress stereotypical boyish from time to time, to decrease my level of stress.
selfcare is quite important!
and also, allowing myself to be how I am
(enjoying him looking super cute in totally stereotypical clothes)
meaning, that I can stop denying my socialization within patriarchy
as if I would immediately be free of stereotypes just because I want sexism to stop existing in this world
I know that my significant other is totally with me buying him next month a set for cleaning toys
I know it is my task to look more out for the things we have in common
and one should not forget,
there are so many small battles
like sexist songs, stories, etc.
I don't mind doing the work but i am just a human with a certain amount of capacity
therefore
i decided to stuck to some important changes i can make easily
and trusting the process
I can only do my part
but am not able to completely transform sexism
(and racism and ablism and some other violent things I think that urgently need to be challenged)
I will do the best I can but not pressuring myself so that I fall into pieces
instead
i am accepting me as important part of change
but stop seeing myself as the one who needs to create a new world all by herself
I trust that I will do small things
better than the generation before me
and hope that the people I meet along the way
get inspired by my actions.
and the following generations are already better equipped
and before dying we can learn already from them
and I really hope my child will like doing his part in the future
this intergenerational thought really is helping me to stay more kind and calm
when my partner or other parts in my family are somewhere else than I am in their process
(meaning saying something super racist or sexist)
and I need this relaxed being with each other
so that they are more open to listen
when I NEED to speak up
and I need this calmness for my wellbeing, too
because in the process of loosing and finding balance
it doesn't serve anyone when I get lost in anger
instead I invest my all
towards a vision of a better tomorrow