...
a few days and a new year later, I'm finally back to the mood of writing.
I wasn't caring much about spanish and writing recently
on the other hand, I manage to go jogging and stretching every morning.
also, I've been dancing a lot.
wait, what do I want to write about?
ahhh...
to much freedom
I realised it already along the process.
when we were younger,
for example,
my friends and I had a lot of drama.
therefore, we needed each other.
and that's why we have been there for each other.
now we evolved out of too much drama, mostly.
and every single one of us os doing perfectly fine on her or his own.
we don't need each other, we enrich each other.
that's what I always wanted.
back the days, when I met someone, I would tell them at the beginning
'I will only call or meet you if I feel for it.
therefore, you'll know that when we meet I'm 100% there!
if you can't handle it, there's the door'
therefore, I don't have any friendship with contact on a daily base
this huge freedom made me very free...
...and very alone.
I mean not really.
I always feel connected with my friends
with whom I have amazing, deep and true friendships
but our freedom seperates us
that's when I first came to the idea
that maybe it's not too bad to depend on another person
maybe it's better to develop freedom together
now, I have this freedom of time
i can do whatever I want to do
and this freedom brings me in a position
of a space that seems to huge for me to balance it
anymore
I mean I love freedom
but all this thriving for liberation on so many levels
against society, against my own limitations,...
it brought me to a point where it was just too much
for me to handle
when I was talking to the guy from miami
(a very, very rich person; in experiences and money
a very inspiring and caring person
who was already two times a millionaire from nothing
I don't mention it because of the money
but because of his ability to create something)
I realised that all my purpose for liberation
didn't allow myself to build something
I mean I'm not super interested in money
but I like living a nice life
having a home
enjoying good food and wine
but with all my extrem free spirit
there's no space for settling down
I don't even have a home
right now
and my biggest dream of
finding a king to my queen?
I created a life that every person
who would enter would feel for me
like an invasion
(thanks for the lovely talk with maika's fiancee)
i mean I had so much time
just for me
over the last years
that I got very comfortable with that freedom
I did a lot of meditation and interior work
on rebuilding my ability to connect with others
that's how I recognized that the conditions
I create work against my dreams
I mean, of course, one dream is also to be free
but now, when feeling the most free in my whole life
(and I think I'm really in a very much liberated position)
I see that it doesn't mean much in reality
i went to a point where the space of freedom
felt like an unreal bubble
if there's nothing i have to do
there's nothing to do it for
and that's muy triste
also,
and I'm very grateful for that,
I can sense,
of course just a little bit,
how my priviledge is linked
to another person's suffering
and I'm not proud
about how the lesson
of not being as responsible as I wished for
turned out to hurt.
I think it's really true:
that knowledge yet
but on personal level
I already started to change
to be more responsible and caring
for myself
(and of course,
while changing the worst comes out
before it becomes better.
luckily, I know already that it can happen
and trust in the process)
and I realized
I have to limit my time here
I made a plan when to keep traveling
and I made up my mind that I want to
try how it feels to live in Palma de Mallorca...
...in a few months
luckily, I have some kind of self protection
it made me running every morning
so that my energy level
isn't going down to much
it's something I always wished for to be able to do
but it never worked before
because getting up and running
just never matched well before
here and now
it does
thus,
I some kind of just doing it
maybe my mindset changed
already?
so, I'm allowing myself to be
as free as I can be
to learn from it every day
I mean
I don't have to do
all the lessons on my own
I also learn from other people
like, when I look at the French guy
who is my age
who gets drunk with beer
and high with cocaine
every night
I almost believed him
when he told me that he's searching
for a wife to settle down
but than
I saw that he's not able
to care too much for others
anymore
but his essence wants it
very much
so he is confused and believes
he lives in love
when all he does is just hanging around
I mean, from my perspective
(of course, I don't have all the answers
but I have a good eye)
and that was like a message from god
'hey nadeen, you're almost there
do you really wanna go that path?'
no, thank you.
maybe
the moment we think we are free
that's when we have to free ourselves
from the prison we build all the years
while trying to be free
and, that also reminds me of the very inspirational talk
with the miami guy
you have to fight every day, again
I knew it from the second he told me
that I tried to avoid this for a while
and that it's true
I have to work hard
every day
to use all these gifts
wisely
I will change for better
I will work hard and happy
to make me the queen
i want to be
a good queen
for me
for everybody
and for my king
and along the way
I won't forget that
I am human
and that change can need time
that I have to crawl before running