well, one of my most important missions these days is to become a better person. living in agape love and really being authentic while trying to transform my attitude and my whole self more...
it is something I'm working on since many years
while suffering and even more
after surviving a heavy depression
getting back to something lost along the way.
(just with more respect for my own needs)
why?
I still remember how much more joyful that felt
I figured out the people were wrong when they said:
'Nadine, you can't care so much for others.'
quite the opposite is true, I believe
life is meant to be lived in care and love for each other.
I know a lot in theory but in practice?
I was so frustrated for many years about all the missed opportunties
to be there for another person, unable to act,...
sometimes, even unable to realise their pain.
and finally,
I had some nice experiences:
being kind, in a very true way
again
it is something I'm working on since many years
while suffering and even more
after surviving a heavy depression
getting back to something lost along the way.
(just with more respect for my own needs)
why?
I still remember how much more joyful that felt
I figured out the people were wrong when they said:
'Nadine, you can't care so much for others.'
quite the opposite is true, I believe
life is meant to be lived in care and love for each other.
I know a lot in theory but in practice?
I was so frustrated for many years about all the missed opportunties
to be there for another person, unable to act,...
sometimes, even unable to realise their pain.
and finally,
I had some nice experiences:
being kind, in a very true way
again
one of the German girls was ill. I made breakfast for her - and i'm really good in prepraring a nice one - because she literally wasn't able to feed herself. so, here is the new old thing: I did care for her without asking myself anything for any second. it just happened and I'm so happy that my prayer and hard work start to change me again into a caring person in action! (not in theory!), someone who does nice acts without any expectation to get anything in return. and it was funny. while preparing it the second day, I had only one ciabatta left. and I love it. it's crispy and the best 'bread' over here. and I thought:' do I wanna give it to her?'. I wasn't sure about that. I mean giving away the best thing is what I want to learn but at the same time this lesson includes deep self-care. and I saw the whole morning myself enjoying the crispy ciabatta with avocado. so, I decided that I'm not ready to give away the best I have... because I wanna be honesty deep to the bones and only give away freely. suddenly, while cooking the eggs, I got an idea. we can share it! one toast and half of the ciabatta for her and for me. perfect!
there isn't enough? it's always an illusion!
the same day, another 'friend' was crying. I acted according to her needs and brightened her day a little bit. I did it with joy even if it made me change my plans. she was feeling better after a chat with me. I just gave away a little bit of my time. not much when it means to be there for someone who feels hurt and alone, isn't it? but it was the same as before, I wasn't thinking if I should do it or not. I just did it. gaining back a treasure that was lost in time.
and yesterday, I helped the Italian girl (I don't really like this national description but writing another friend again is really boring) with her application for the UN. I had this workshop with the ILO and other experiences. I mean, I got already some insights into such application processes. moreover, I helped some people applying for jobs in the past. therefore, I felt confident that my help can be valuable. and it was. we were so happy and joyful after the hard work. we put what she wanted to say into short, pregnant, professional and also personal statements. it sounded perfect. she was very surprised what we did. I couldn't manage to not expect anything in return. I was super hungry and I expected her to respect that and help me to get some good, healthy and not too expensive food afterwards. also, I wasn't expecting it but found it alright that she was paying my juice. and I don't feel bad that I expected something. I did some hard work for her and my contribution made a huge difference. and even if I wish deeply that she gets the job I also see that this isn't something I would do freely for everybody every day without caring less for myself. but maybe there are levels I don't have a clue about yet...
... when I am kind to another person I am the one who gains a lot.
for example, the feeling to be kind itself felt like little lights brighten my heart. moreover, making breakfast for another person made my wish for a family more real. I don't mind the hard works that comes along with a partner and raising a child. this caring for her was so helpful for clarifying my future self in vision. i could see myself making breakfast for my family every morning.
and being there for the other friend was something I wished for since a long time. seeing in her eyes how much she was grateful that there was another being caring for her. it reminded me of how much the family, co-workers and friends in India have been there for me. or other situations in life when a person I did't know well still took her or his time to be there, to assist and help me. honestly, that people listened to my heartbroken self crying out her heart was my rescue. I always felt like I wanna give something back. but mostly, in the past, i wasn't able to bring that theoretical willigness into life. finally, I was allowed to be a light for another being, too. it feels wonderful. please, let it continue being this way.
and helping the Italian girl with her application? It was fun and nice to spend time with her as she is such a passionate and energetic person. moreover, the process itself showed me something about my abilities: I am good with words. especially when shaping other people's work and word into something wonderful. I am not the best creater for somehing totally new. but I am very, very good to put somebody else's stuff together and create together something magical out of it. as I'm also looking what to do next in a career writing content could be one thing. anyways, me helping her was actually her helping me in my process. I was a bit surprised how good I was.
of course, people always know what I wanna say in theory:
... I also knew all that in theory. but practice? that is always a difference!
there isn't enough? it's always an illusion!
the same day, another 'friend' was crying. I acted according to her needs and brightened her day a little bit. I did it with joy even if it made me change my plans. she was feeling better after a chat with me. I just gave away a little bit of my time. not much when it means to be there for someone who feels hurt and alone, isn't it? but it was the same as before, I wasn't thinking if I should do it or not. I just did it. gaining back a treasure that was lost in time.
and yesterday, I helped the Italian girl (I don't really like this national description but writing another friend again is really boring) with her application for the UN. I had this workshop with the ILO and other experiences. I mean, I got already some insights into such application processes. moreover, I helped some people applying for jobs in the past. therefore, I felt confident that my help can be valuable. and it was. we were so happy and joyful after the hard work. we put what she wanted to say into short, pregnant, professional and also personal statements. it sounded perfect. she was very surprised what we did. I couldn't manage to not expect anything in return. I was super hungry and I expected her to respect that and help me to get some good, healthy and not too expensive food afterwards. also, I wasn't expecting it but found it alright that she was paying my juice. and I don't feel bad that I expected something. I did some hard work for her and my contribution made a huge difference. and even if I wish deeply that she gets the job I also see that this isn't something I would do freely for everybody every day without caring less for myself. but maybe there are levels I don't have a clue about yet...
... when I am kind to another person I am the one who gains a lot.
for example, the feeling to be kind itself felt like little lights brighten my heart. moreover, making breakfast for another person made my wish for a family more real. I don't mind the hard works that comes along with a partner and raising a child. this caring for her was so helpful for clarifying my future self in vision. i could see myself making breakfast for my family every morning.
and being there for the other friend was something I wished for since a long time. seeing in her eyes how much she was grateful that there was another being caring for her. it reminded me of how much the family, co-workers and friends in India have been there for me. or other situations in life when a person I did't know well still took her or his time to be there, to assist and help me. honestly, that people listened to my heartbroken self crying out her heart was my rescue. I always felt like I wanna give something back. but mostly, in the past, i wasn't able to bring that theoretical willigness into life. finally, I was allowed to be a light for another being, too. it feels wonderful. please, let it continue being this way.
and helping the Italian girl with her application? It was fun and nice to spend time with her as she is such a passionate and energetic person. moreover, the process itself showed me something about my abilities: I am good with words. especially when shaping other people's work and word into something wonderful. I am not the best creater for somehing totally new. but I am very, very good to put somebody else's stuff together and create together something magical out of it. as I'm also looking what to do next in a career writing content could be one thing. anyways, me helping her was actually her helping me in my process. I was a bit surprised how good I was.
of course, people always know what I wanna say in theory:
- we always learn from each other
- me helping you is also you helping me
- being kind feels good and is our natural intended state of being
- ubuntu - onelove - we are one - or how ever you wanna call it
... I also knew all that in theory. but practice? that is always a difference!
to feel it alive in your stomach
is when the truth your mind knows
already starts to settle in your heart
ready to be lived
ready to grow
it would be perfect stop writing here. but I'm not thriving for perfection right now.
I can also remember how it was when I got some kind of addicted to help other people... because of how it made ME feel.
that's one of the reason I stopped helping others... because I don't wanted to live a life based on that. that's not the intention I hope to have while being kind. and it changes the whole balance. it leads to expectations that only can remain unfulfilled. how can I manage to stay true in the future?
another reason that stopped me of being kind:
giving more to others and forgetting my own needs
..but I am very optimistic that I'm better in caring about my own needs - in a loving way - than ever before. and I keep growing in it.
or, that help is not alway helping other people.
I mean it depends on the help.
not helping can be the best help, sometimes.
or good will.
sometimes, a help is nothing the other person wants
like being a rescuer to another person who wants
and for whom it's maybe also very important
to defend her or himself on their own
.. but I think I already learned a few lesson and keep on learning.
I will also keep making mistakes but - ok, yes - I'm already on a good way.
but really, how can one keep the intention to help another person naturally and authentic but not getting addicted to this make-feel-good-feeling?
maybe one shouldn't get to excited about the gratefulness of another person?