"You take the blue pill, the story ends.
You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland,
and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."
(Morpheus to Neo in Matrix, the movie)
You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland,
and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."
(Morpheus to Neo in Matrix, the movie)
I am not so sure if the red pill was a better choice
(on top, sometimes, i don't even know if i really was taking the red pill)
i just got a small insight
how huge the ocean
of not knowing
can be
my capacity for action
didn't really increase
yet
because i see all these things
that i am doing wrong
overwhelmed
not finding my angle
to love in action
somewhere
after some time
i started to see development
seeing that how i do now
is hurting
less
but
really
i don't know if i became a better ally
for healing racism in this world
maybe me not knowing so much
but trying to do it right
was better
?
my heart was more light
i touched others
from time to time
trying to do better
did it work
?
me not aiming too high
never made me failing
and falling so hard
taking the red pill
will never made me so light
again
there is no way back
i tried
but still
the next step isn't there
yet
this hoping
not knowing
did i really
became
better
in anything
?
i mean not in comparison
to anybody else
but me
did i make my light
shine more
bright
?
i know
it must be better
for all of us
that is what
they say
but the next step
really
replacing acting out of fear
with acting
out of love
in theory
this sounds
right
in practice
i don't know
how it feels
but i am more than racism
and the pill
is making its way
through all
my veins
i mean
i am grateful for my depression
showing me the hell
inside of me
but now it is more
difficult
to ignore
how horrible I am
sometimes
still unable
to change
sometimes
before
i was happy and smiling
it was easy being kind
even if i probably was as evil
or maybe more
as i am now
and i am afraid
i never
will
easy
again
sitting in the rabbit hole
lost
how can that be better
for all of us
?
i mean
if it changes anything
related to racism
i can say:
well
that's the last thing
i can do
no prob
really
i mean it
but it doesn't stop
there
it embraces
everything
as much as i try
to avoid it
it makes it way
everywhere
still
at the end of the day
i have the feeling
one day
i will
be
wiser
one day
right now
i have enough
i cannot do this
pushing harder
to me anymore
i cannot do
anything
else
than
accepting
the evil in me
oh
well
that is what the pill
was meant for
?
somebody should have told me
did you
?
okay
now i think
it will be better
i am making peace
with myself
but really
who wants to live with
thaaaaaaat evil
inside
?
nobody wants that
but it is there
it won't go away
and i think
i cannot do anything else
than
starting accepting
and deeply loving
all that
a rabbit hole
can be
and right now
for a second
it all makes sense
love
in my veins
what does this concretely mean?
(on top, sometimes, i don't even know if i really was taking the red pill)
i just got a small insight
how huge the ocean
of not knowing
can be
my capacity for action
didn't really increase
yet
because i see all these things
that i am doing wrong
overwhelmed
not finding my angle
to love in action
somewhere
after some time
i started to see development
seeing that how i do now
is hurting
less
but
really
i don't know if i became a better ally
for healing racism in this world
maybe me not knowing so much
but trying to do it right
was better
?
my heart was more light
i touched others
from time to time
trying to do better
did it work
?
me not aiming too high
never made me failing
and falling so hard
taking the red pill
will never made me so light
again
there is no way back
i tried
but still
the next step isn't there
yet
this hoping
not knowing
did i really
became
better
in anything
?
i mean not in comparison
to anybody else
but me
did i make my light
shine more
bright
?
i know
it must be better
for all of us
that is what
they say
but the next step
really
replacing acting out of fear
with acting
out of love
in theory
this sounds
right
in practice
i don't know
how it feels
but i am more than racism
and the pill
is making its way
through all
my veins
i mean
i am grateful for my depression
showing me the hell
inside of me
but now it is more
difficult
to ignore
how horrible I am
sometimes
still unable
to change
sometimes
before
i was happy and smiling
it was easy being kind
even if i probably was as evil
or maybe more
as i am now
and i am afraid
i never
will
easy
again
sitting in the rabbit hole
lost
how can that be better
for all of us
?
i mean
if it changes anything
related to racism
i can say:
well
that's the last thing
i can do
no prob
really
i mean it
but it doesn't stop
there
it embraces
everything
as much as i try
to avoid it
it makes it way
everywhere
still
at the end of the day
i have the feeling
one day
i will
be
wiser
one day
right now
i have enough
i cannot do this
pushing harder
to me anymore
i cannot do
anything
else
than
accepting
the evil in me
oh
well
that is what the pill
was meant for
?
somebody should have told me
did you
?
okay
now i think
it will be better
i am making peace
with myself
but really
who wants to live with
thaaaaaaat evil
inside
?
nobody wants that
but it is there
it won't go away
and i think
i cannot do anything else
than
starting accepting
and deeply loving
all that
a rabbit hole
can be
and right now
for a second
it all makes sense
love
in my veins
what does this concretely mean?
- i am realising that i became absolutely awesome in analysing problems (73%) but spending a minimum amount of searching for solutions (27%).
- i need to stop blaming me, immediately. it manifested everywhere without me even realising...i mean i realised it a bit, from time to time...but had no clue how deep it goes...i mean, like even when i am praying (I mostly just pray for myself while thinking i should pray more for others... and trying to force me to pray more for others, just to come back praying just for myself. i don't want to feel bad about that anymore. if this is how i am, if this is something i cannot change, than it is. i am a ego prayer. just from time to time i pray for others even knowing that this is so much more powerful than praying for myself)... it goes through every thing and continues all day long. i choose a career because i thought it may be something like the right thing to do. this will never work for me. it lead me to a point of not feeling able to do anything right or enjoying it.
- the gap between the illusion of how i want to be and how i am became increased day by day... so huge...i forgot how to see the good in me. but maybe this is a good thing because it leads me to a point where i cannot do anything else than accepting the bad. maybe soon i can start to see the good in me again. there must be something. (and if there is a logic in this, it must be impossible for me to go back to the point before taking the red pill...wow, if that is true, well, i would take the red pill all over again..i mean, i am sure there are also good things about me...)
- and the wheel starts all over again: accepting what i cannot change, trying to change what i cannot accept anymore...blablabla...please, the whole thing with less drama in the next round, if possible