i've been taught
with the best intentions in the world
that first you give yourself
than you give others
i think
most people have a natural approach of giving freely
like most people thriving towards "the good"
believe me, there have been many years i couldn't see it
because of all the bad that happens every day
but now i remember that this was the
knowledge i hold as child
thus, giving oneself first is something
that definitely must be learned
i think
moreover
my family wanted me
to be free of emotional abuse
while giving kindly to everybody
indeed
to became a very "free" spirit
there was just one thing
very tricky
I am accompanied by a feeling of lack
since my childhood
so there never came a point of:
I have enough now
I can give to others
I am thinking of "it is time to give back"
since a long, long time
but it doesn't mean that i feel it
also
it doesn’t mean
I don’t give to others at all
but still
it is first-me
a lot for me
because
no matter how hard i try
i cannot get rid of this
feeling of lack
plus
i created a life where
i centred everything about myself
plus 10 years of being single
i became an expert of
giving it to me
i can sense that
on many levels
the illusion of being absolutely altruistic
vs.
living a very ego-centred life
is one of the biggest discrepancies in my life
with the best intentions in the world
that first you give yourself
than you give others
i think
most people have a natural approach of giving freely
like most people thriving towards "the good"
believe me, there have been many years i couldn't see it
because of all the bad that happens every day
but now i remember that this was the
knowledge i hold as child
thus, giving oneself first is something
that definitely must be learned
i think
moreover
my family wanted me
to be free of emotional abuse
while giving kindly to everybody
indeed
to became a very "free" spirit
there was just one thing
very tricky
I am accompanied by a feeling of lack
since my childhood
so there never came a point of:
I have enough now
I can give to others
I am thinking of "it is time to give back"
since a long, long time
but it doesn't mean that i feel it
also
it doesn’t mean
I don’t give to others at all
but still
it is first-me
a lot for me
because
no matter how hard i try
i cannot get rid of this
feeling of lack
plus
i created a life where
i centred everything about myself
plus 10 years of being single
i became an expert of
giving it to me
i can sense that
on many levels
the illusion of being absolutely altruistic
vs.
living a very ego-centred life
is one of the biggest discrepancies in my life
I am not sure if i can change it
the feeling of lack
also
whenever one need is satisfied
a new one appears
the feeling of lack
also
whenever one need is satisfied
a new one appears
maybe
i misunderstood the concept of free giving
maybe
i keep over-identifying with honesty
on a too strong level
moreover
maybe my intentions don't need to be
altruistic themselves
what if i will always feel
satisfied
while giving others
that doesn't mean i have
"bad intentions"
maybe
while feeling "not getting enough"
it is okay
just giving
for a while
anyways
i misunderstood the concept of free giving
maybe
i keep over-identifying with honesty
on a too strong level
moreover
maybe my intentions don't need to be
altruistic themselves
what if i will always feel
satisfied
while giving others
that doesn't mean i have
"bad intentions"
maybe
while feeling "not getting enough"
it is okay
just giving
for a while
anyways